you found me.

Monday, October 13, 2008

11:57 PM

this is my 93rd post.
Before i start on what i'm supposed to be blogging about, let me link the above random fact to it.
9+3=12.
1+2=3.
3 is the average movements in a Classical sonata. the 3rd movement is known as the finale, i think.

and so, this is it.
the finale of it all.
fast, swift, unforgettable, and one that brings back memories.

i made a promise to end it all. a promise to myself. and i wouldn't break it. not when i'm going to say it in front of here.

i promised myself i would make sure every ounce of my time would be dedicated to maximise my studying potential, till the second the Chemistry Paper 1 ends.

which means i wouldn't use the computer from the time i get off it now, till the time my O levels end.

and as i see it, only 5 people are online now, none of which read my blog.
so the time anyone reads this post, i'll be gone, like the wind.

Goodbye.

~BenjaminTAN

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

5:52 AM

secrets are not meant to be told. yet i spilled one. but it's only between me and that person.

the exams are just so near, i can't breathe. my stomach's not hurting me anymore, nor are my ulcers irritating me. Even sleep beckons to me after my long day of bore, messiness, whatever. after those symptoms, when you thought the worst the biggest storm has passed, that the darkest before dawn has passed, that you could try to play around, put your hand in the water, hell, even try to hold your breath under the seemingly low tide, you see the real depth of the sea. refraction of our foresight bends our point of view the way it bends light. and then, the waves start coming in. it crushes you like no other, strangling you, granting you no escape. that's exactly what i'm feeling now. i'm struggling to keep my head above the water level, looking for anyone to salvage me from the undercurrents that are pulling me under the safe zone of respiration.

it's just an afterthought of my slacking-after-prelims attitude. it's not beneficial to anyone at all, least of all me. i need a break, but when can that break come? even the worst of the tides hasn't even come to me yet. it's nearly 2 weeks away from the big thing. the thing that changes my life. either i keep my head above level, or i just sink in the water that i was trying to hold my breath in. it's crazy. i'm getting the motivation from all sorts of people, like the Principal, Vice-Principal, teachers, cousins, friends. Quoting from one of my classmates Personal Message: Only with 110% can i win the race now. it's more-or-less the SYF CJ of Display Bands, just without the performances and stuff. people who worked around you want your output to double, hell, triple the input that you gained from them. it's the way our brains work. we are all more-or-less 100% efficient motors. it's our willpower that pulls our output level of work over the 100% level. and by then, you'd have achieved a feat that is seemingly unachievable.

think about it, benjamin.

I'm going to sleep.

~BenjaminTAN

Saturday, October 4, 2008

4:28 AM

wow.
i'm back to the weekly journal yet again, and there's no need to ask why: it's about 2 weeks odd away from the big thing already. and i've been damned by the God of Stress, wherever the heck he is. i'm breaking out in multiple ulcers in the mouth, having lesser sleep due to probable imsonia, maybe, and my digestive system's trying to expel all the gas i have in those meaty walls. and it starts to hurt yet again. what can i do? of course, enjoy myself. that's why i chose a perfect time to have fun. it was yesterday, the 3rd of October.

that particular day was quite eventful, i have to say. first things first, a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO VANESSA! (4C) classmate, bandmate, ya.
secondly, soccer. i admit i'm still not up to mark, even as a defender, but hey, i think i'm improving. who cares? i know i catch up real slow.
that day was also the same day as the Meridian JC open house, so me and a few classmates went there. so in total it was the two Benjamin's, the two Cheryl's, ken, geng, nigel, belinda, and fiona (i think that's all. my brain's not functioning properly. i'll elaborate later)

the girls went first, simply because of the 2nd point: soccer. we played soccer. then we went, sweaty and smelly, to the tkg bus stop. jeremy tagged along with us. there we had to take a bus to the Paya Lebar MRT station. kenneth explained how walking there as a group would take a hell lot of time, and i agreed. because the 2 of us walk fast. the rest just stroll, around the same speed as my mei (amanda) when she's tired. of course they didn't need piggy-backing, but they seemed really tired. i guess it accounts for their lack of speed.

(i'll skip all the crap about taking the mrt and stuff)

jeremy alighted at the tampines station.

we left at pasir ris, and i went to retrieve my one-buck deposit from the standard ticket. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't get the card to go in. then i realised: the STUPID MACHINE had no such function.
i had to go to the adjacent one, retrieve it quickly and admittedly angrily, and catch up with the rest. it seemed that they met up with the girls.

the open house was, simply put, splendid. wonderful. (i'm not saying this because of my jie, she doesn't even know i blog.) and i played pool for the first time there. altho the cue stick was heavy and crappy, and friction can lead to mis-(shooting) of the cue ball. but to hell with it. it was a nice experience.

then i went home with 2 bucks (i didn't eat with my classmates, i mean, what could you do with 2 dollars? buy 2 one-dollar cokes from Mac's? NO.)

and i ate, and started smsing.
then, daniel had a really great idea. "let's ton(stay up really late) tonight la." well, it was a good idea. it certainly helped me de-stress. it certainly helped daniel level his MapleStory Dragon Knight from level 74 to his current 78, and he's chionging for a 79 by tonight, maybe even higher.

i stopped smsing elise at 1.30, i think. i played GOW for the rest of the morning, and then went to sleep at 3. then i woke up at 6. dunno what i did sia. i was semi-conscious.

having a whole night's worth of fun certainly helped in the de-stressing process, altho my 6 goddamn ulcers are still in my mouth, and my stomach hurts a hell lot. but i simply don't care. my parents're not in town, so i'll let them enjoy themselves, while i enjoy myself. this has been one hell of a weekend. and it's not over yet!!!!

~BenjaminTAN