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underneath the stars
I'll self-reflect... in this small world of lastman-standing.BS.com

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DISCLAIMER: If you find anything offensive in or about this blog remember that this blog is solely for MY entertainment, not YOURS. What I write in this blog, you have a choice to read it. I can't hide things in small spoiler tags just for you. It's for my convenience. Whether this blog entertains you or not, i couldn't care less. Only one request: spammers GO AWAY and stop tagging nonsense or start flaming by means of the tagboard. This is my blog, not your altar. I don't need your reverence or worship, neither does this blog, I'm sure of it.

Read on.
Friday, September 26, 2008
5:14 AM

17.

so i got a B3 for english.
ah, well.
it's my stupid CH that pulled me down all the way. stupid 8 points
time to improve.
i'm aiming for a 10-points for O-level. it's achieveable, but moderation seems so unpredictable, damn.

wtf man.
i'm pissed with the stupid 8 points.


nvm.

~BenjaminTAN


Wednesday, September 24, 2008
5:08 AM

now, for my scores(excluding English):
A Math: A1 (at least my calculator didn't die on me)
E Math: A1 ( i asked tr, and she said i got A1. let's hope i got a good mark now.)
Chem: A2 (couldn't add the one mark to be on par with yingcong, damnit)
Phy: A2 (added one mark, to get an A2)
CH: E8 (stupid SS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

so it's a 14 for the R5.
i really hope i can get a B3 for English, so i can get at least a 17 for the L1R5 for Prelims. it may not beat my sister, but still it's an achievement for me.


well, shall update tomorrow, with scores of English and EMath Paper 2

~BenjaminTAN


Tuesday, September 23, 2008
1:57 AM

i guess, for every good mark i get, i get a bad mark in return.

yesterday, i got a relatively good mark for geog and a good mark for emath p1.
and i got a pass in chinese. with that damn 22/70 for p2.

then, i got a really good grade for a maths paper 1. 74/80 man. damn nice mark lor.
then ss screwed it up lor. stupid essay. got one mark each. 14/50 sucks to the core, i say. then combined humanities got 42. E8. it sucks, but at least it's an improvement.

well, what can i say? i didn't study for the dumb paper, so what'd you expect? enough talk about this.

bye

~BenjaminTAN


Monday, September 22, 2008
6:14 AM

yes!!!!!!!!!!!
i finally passed the paper that i've been failing for far too long
28/50, and my physical section got 17.5/25, which equals an A2!!!!! finally.
altho my chinese was like, just pass=.=
i didn't really mind. i couldn't concentrate during the stupid paper. the words still so cheem to me
and my maths paper 1 got a 71.5/80! that equals about 89%, i think. i really hope i can do as well for the paper 2.
chem sucks. one more mark to A1. Physics sucks. 69.75 leh. B3 lor. damn it
okay, shall stop here.
i'm turned high.


~BenjaminTAN


Saturday, September 20, 2008
4:41 AM

WTF is wrong with my knee?!?!?!

it just hurt like siao just now, and now it's coming back. not as in ache, but a damn sharp pain at the joint itself. wow. sitting down may lower the pain, but what else can you do while sitting down, and having a knee that hurts for no reason? damn. even doing something like playing the piano is becoming difficult. i'm fatigued. and my vision whites out whenever i stand up. call it blood circulation problem. i don't care. call it stress. i don't care. i'm not exactly stressed, so to speak. i'm (i guess) the slack-est person in the class. i really hope i can sustain the effort i had for the prelims, for my O's, if not better. simin got a 20 for her prelims. nick got a 27. i hope i can do better than them.

today's trip, from lunch at east coast road near still road south, till my knee hurt, was boring. even having my knee hurting was interesting. it hasn't been hurting for a month or two already. but no more of that. i did practically nothing in my grandmother's house. i just felt like sleeping. maybe i should have followed my jie and just stay at home. she studies. i sleep and slack. i dunno what's my problem. i think everything's over, altho it's just the prelims, and the big one's yet to come. even as i'm typing, i'm wondering why, of all times, did i not enjoy today's events, so to speak. is it because we watched 2 DVD's in a row at my grandmother's house? is it because it was exceptionally crowded there? is it because i was fatigued? is it because the place was hot and stuffy?

you know what? enough questions. i just didn't enjoy myself. end of story. good bye. the end.


~BenjaminTAN


Thursday, September 18, 2008
4:12 AM

i suck big time at playing the Legendary difficulty in Halo 3. Plus skulls, that is.

i only switched on Catch, Tough Luck, Thunderstorm, GBP, Cowbell and IWHBYD.
only those few.
and i took a freaking 112.26 minutes to finish the damn level.
damn. whatever. i just need to finish Covenant on Legendary to complete the nice Stage list.
and i need to finish Arrival on legendary, coop. stupid. it's just a damn cutscene, that needs no attention.

whatever.
today was a freaking boring day.
jie invited her friends to study/do hw, and they ended up watching tv with me. i feel so guilty. haha.
my mum was actually talking to jie about if she didn't do as well in her promos and became the same batch as me (provided i get into MJC) and then like, wow. that'd be nice.
but i really hope she does well in this exams. ALL THE BEST!!!!!

i seem very high.
nvm
shall end here





~BenjaminTAN

and i've got a new sibling!!!!!1!!11! woots.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008
4:57 AM

i'm a bastard. Really, i am.
and i get worse, much worse, when i'm not feeling well/that comfortable.

these 2 statements were derived from a reflection of today's afternoon, around three, if i had remembered correctly. when i actually wanted to blog in the afternoon.

it started with amanda. she was being stupid and didn't know what was the difference between 'before' and 'after'. she also mixes up numbers and randomly writes them, without even knowing what the numbers are. to think she's 5.

then comes my mother. she was testing amanda on numbers. it got so bad, amanda said that the number before 20 is 89. my mum scolded the shit out of her, and got so pissed she said 'go and die' and tore up some papers. amanda screamed and cried and screamed and cried.

oh, and i was here, before the comp, wanting to blog about today's exams. when the noise level got so unbearable i went downstairs and asked amanda to shut the hell up. she did, then my mum started on me.
then i asked her why did she even have to scold amanda in the first place. my mum got even more pissed and started scolding me.
i carried it to a whole new level, asking her 'why did she even have to make her cry so bad.' she scolded again, and asked me who i thought i was. i told her i was her brother, and wouldn't let anybody, not even her, get amanda in such a state.
raised voices ensued, and i ended up screaming at my mother, and when she asked me to stay out of her business, i just went up to the third floor and asked her to screw herself. altho i didn't know if she could hear it.

so up i went, closed all windows that my comp was opening, and then my mum came up. she continued her scolding, so i just switched off my computer and brushed past her, back into my room.

i replied smses, then my mum entered the room.
screw it, i thought, and stayed on my chair, one leg on the table, while she lectured me.

it was then when i realised it was a huge misunderstanding. to put it loosely, it was a damn big fuck-up(sorry for the bad language).

amanda was always like that. so my mum had to scold her. it was her sleeping time, so she would feel a bit grouchy and throw tantrums and stuff. and a whole lot of stupid things i don't bother remembering. it was seriously a huge screw-up on my part. when she left, i threw my watch, my wallet, and something i don't remember.

my mum asked me if i was still angry with her, in an apologetic tone. i asked her to leave me alone, because i wanted some time and space on my own. so she left the room.

i took off my specs, and facepalmed. i soon realised that my hands were wet. damn.
after sending another message, i let loose those tears.
i felt so goddamn bad. i wanted to apologise, but my mum had already left the house to handle some things at our old house in tampines.

shit.

that was one of the worst cases you've seen on my other side. so the conflict with the stupid ms chen and homework was damn trivial. female egos. or should i put it more specifically, young women egos. stupid bitch. 'wen jern and chin kiat! sit back down!' wow. i felt sorry for thsoe around her. must have caught the concentrated bitchy aura.

the papers so far were all good. the ones i really have no confidence in are the chinese paper 2, ss, english(the whole damn thing), and maybe geog elect. i really hope i did well in that subject, i worked my ass off on rivers and coasts for a whole week.


goodbye then.

don't forget this post. i'm a real bastard.


~BenajminTAN


Monday, September 15, 2008
5:38 AM

what the hell is wrong with me, man.
my stomach pain's back and alive again.
damnit, i couldn't focus on the e math paper 2 today because of the overwhelming urgency to laosai, but i just couldn't, i had to finish the stupid paper (i didn't even feel like doing it in the first place) and then i felt better when i finished the paper.

then, 10 minutes before the paper ended, at around 10.15, the stupid urgency came back again. worse than ever.

and i was so distracted, there was a question that asked me to take bearing 'of C from A'. i did all the necessary steps to take the bearing of A from C. what a retard. only when i wrote the last statement to calculate the bearing, did i realise i was working out the wrong thing all along. what an idiot i am.

and just when i got on the bus 197, at 11.15, someone smsed me.
elise, nice one. feeling bored, so i entertained her till 3.10 or something like that. 4 hours man. when she was having lessons and stuff. i was like, wow. i don't sms in class on principle, simply because i need to focus. but her...? i'm just speechless.
naughty you.

ergh. i might have been feeling better, but i seemed to be on sedatives man. couldn't stay awake during the afternoon after 5.30. so i napped and wow. i was fresh. i love power naps. 5 minutes of beauty sleep can grant you at least a few hours of absolute consciousness. that's my tactic of trying to stay awake during my stayover nights at my grandmother's house. that was the day. damn nice, i tell you. there was a night when we played Risk from 6pm to 2am, and we just couldn't finish it. i slept a few minutes after that, to be awoken rudely by daniel who was making a hell lot of noise.

i stayed awake the whole night. isn't that just... shiok.



well, maybe i should end here, i'm getting sleepy again.
gd nites everyone, wish me luck for that damned CL paper and the physics MCQ. fx-82U, don't you dare die on me again. altho you're a different one. i need at least a distinction.


~BenjaminTAN


Saturday, September 13, 2008
5:14 AM

damn. couldn't go to grandmother's house today.
car got sent for servicing.
so it was me, jie and daniel who stayed at home for that boring afternoon.
ergh. even messaging didn't save me from dying out of frustration and boredom.
i tried playing the piano, tried watching tv, using the comp, playing Halo 3, playing hp games, watched my brother maple, but i guess nothing beats hanging out with your extended family and having a really nice and good chat. it's only been a week, but i miss the other 3 guys. haiz. not mentioning the other 11 girl-cousins. i don't even know how old Lena-jie is. wow.

well, it was a boring afternoon.
to put it simply, it was a boring week. i want normal school lessons, not normal school exams. i'm crumpling under the fact that the big one's only a month away. and the pressure to get a score that matches jie, if not better. i lost to her once, and i'm not going to lose to her again, dammit. but even as i type this, i feel more and more sceptic about beating her. sure, my maths and science my be good, but my english sucks to the core, and so does my humanities. i have to say i screwed the Social Studies exam. i dunno how the hell i could possibly memorise 4 topics in one month, unless i start now. but i can't, because i didn't even buy the sec 4 textbook.

Responsibility, benjamin. it's the one thing that can bring a person down. it's also a thing, a value that differentiates a person from another. with it, one can do anything without any fear that the consequences are going to be screwed-up. but without it, one has the fear that grips him till the time he chooses to take up that responsibility.

for me, i never knew how to do anything. Not without pushing the responsibility to others.

you know what?
screw it.
i'm going to try to find it right NOW.

for now, ciao!


~BenjaminTAN


Friday, September 12, 2008
5:37 AM

so today had no exams for me, and i thought it'd be fun staying at home.
but no, no.
had to go to woodlands from 8-1. and its not fun sitting in a corner waiting for your mum and grandmother to finish doing their hair.
it sucks big time, i tell you.
ergh.
altho it was more of 'familiar, this place' than 'i'm bored' bcos the last time i'd been there was when i was 3-5 years old. a long time back, if you ask me.
so.

i don't even know why i'm here.
seeya all


~BenjaminTAN


Thursday, September 11, 2008
6:20 AM

before actually talking about today i'm going to direct you to this page:

http://highimpacthalo.org/forum/showthread.php?t=46787

it's absolutely amazing, the first post.
even talents like Clarence and Clement couldn't have produced something like that. i was speechless.

i would have copied it, but it would have made this post uber-long and boring.
so i gave you the choice of opening the page, it's going to be worth it.


so today's 4-hour break wasn't that well-spent, if you ask me. i was just simply walking around school, going to the hall and playing the piano there a few times. other than that, it was talking in the classroom. it's boring, i tell you.

the maths paper could be easy, but i can safely say the a math paper 2 pwned the whole cohort. it was kinda challenging, and i made a few careless mistakes, but i'm hoping for a score >80. i hope.


shall end here, with a few quotes from the webpage:
“The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it. White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.”

"It's easier to describe the darkness than it is the light. Daylight sings for itself, whereas nighttime is cloaked; you can fill it with ANYTHING, which is partly why we're afraid of the dark. Our imaginations take control, and thus our fears run rampant in the night. Daylight is precious and beautiful to all of us, but nighttime is more personal and more frightening because it stalks us as individuals.
We place our own worst fears into the dark."

it's beautiful.

~BenjaminTAN


Monday, September 8, 2008
6:39 AM

well, i guess today's geog elect paper was kinda easy. i just hope for good marks.
the physical section was super easy.

all i had to do was explain the river channel of a meander, draw how floodplains and levees are formed, describe how bays and headlands are formed, explain wave refraction, and do a LORMS question that was (i hope) potential for marks.

well, that was physical.
human was another thing.
i hope i do pass the human section.

that's it for tonight, gd night



~BenjaminTAN


Friday, September 5, 2008
5:05 AM

now, the 77th post on lastman-standing.BS.com would be.........


my stupid illness.
wtf man.
started on wednesday night, had to sleep at 8, but tried not to. tried to keep myself awake by smsing, apparently it didn't work. slept at 9, officially.

woke up at 1++, throat dry and bladder bursting. relieved it, then went downstairs for a cup of water, read some books, then went back to sleep at 1.30.

then, i woke up at 5.30. same as before, i had a dry throat and a bladder on the verge of near-explosion. i just slept, ignoring my bladder's piteous screams. i wonder why.

finally i woke up at 9.30.

it was a full 12 and a half hour sleep. and i woke up every four hours. imagine that.
due to really bad nightmares. can't remember them now.

yesterday night was -.-
slept really well.

and today?
i laosai-ed a few times today. let's just say Lady Luck's shining on my butt.
i just hope i'm not having stomach flu.

and f***. my stomach just started hurting.

cancel those lines about lady luck.



bye~~

~BenjaminTAN


Tuesday, September 2, 2008
11:44 PM

now, as i'm blogging here, i think of this:

Even as the O's are arriving, just around the corner, i'm not at all affected by the close-ness of the exams itself.
here i am, relaxing, playing, having fun. the only serious time i have is in the morning and night, when i start to study. i'll elaborate later.
i actually remembered, during the stayover at my grandmother's house, that nick said that the O's were 50++ days away, and i said "oh, really? i didn't know that"
it was the same thing during the PSLE, just that i was much, MUCH worse during the pre-PSLE period. it came to me all of a sudden, and... bam! i never saw it coming. next were the results of my slack attitude, and i never saw it coming too. even with my raw score of 230, i couldn't even get into a school that was... what i thought as mediocre. it was frustrating. i really don't know what to do. the prelims are like, next week and here i am, studying only one subject that i hope for a pass in, and ignoring the rest. it's "inexpressible", so to speak. fluency and grasp of the language that i'm ranting in also helps, but here i am, with a C5-C6 standard English, and i expect myself to shout out my sorrows to everyone when i can't even pen/type it in words properly?

hais. maybe i should go back to studying my geog (YES, i'm studying geog, for that final effort to try to pass the damn subject), maybe i should go back to play, or maybe i should go back to stoning at my study table, which is a complete mess.

ergh.

i just don't want to screw the O's just like how i screwed my PSLE, many times over. it concerns my future, god dammit.

Shit.


never mind, i shall stop here.


~BenjaminTAN


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