just had a random thought yesterday, and yes. i find it very painful. let me summarise this into a few lines (i hope). elise, it's not your fault, what ever it is. i'm sorry i made you feel so bad.
when i was sec 2, i had outdoor, so every saturday i couldn't find the time to go to my grandmother's house. after outdoor was preparation of concert, so more weeks down for band, so i still cannot visit. when band step down for breaks for exams or stuff, they're not at home, they're usually on holidays, so i never saw them. even till december, after concert, they went for holiday so i (in short) didn't see my grandfather and grandmother for 6++, maybe 7 whole months, because i just asked to be dismissed one saturday afternoon to visit my grandparents.
when i was sec 3, my mind was filled with sorrow. ppl who know about it should know why. maybe if you read it closely you should know why.
now, as i'm secondary 4, and band is officially over for me, i have all the time on saturdays, but i just cannot see him again. it's heart-wrenching.
it used to be all right last time, when i was in primary school. everything was still okay then. i spent time with my extended family on my father's side EVERY saturday, so i would be able to see my cousins, aunts, uncles and everybody else.
however, now, it's different. everything has changed. the big leather chair and stool is still there, but now nobody's resting on it. one of the rooms there may have a queen-sized bed, but only one person rests on it. there would be one cup in the kitchen that nobody was allowed to use, and it still cannot be used. it will never be used.
just like how my grandfather cannot come back.
insight into the hospital, a few days before he passed (as narrated by my mum):
he would always complain of fatigue, and kept saying that he was a burden to us all. every time my grandmother entered the ward, he'd ask her to leave. however, every time he woke up from his naps, his eyes would scan the room for her, and once he saw her, he would continue staring. then he'd ask her to leave. it probably would have made her hate him, so his passing would not have been so painful to her.
only when everybody left the ward on the saturday morning 1am plusplus because he said he'd be alright, did he leave us.
when my brother reveive the call from my aunt when my parents were still sleeping, did he know. he was the first in my family to receive the news.
i only got it at 9 am in the morning, and still could not believe it.
only when i got to the funeral at around 10 with my family did i know it. i had that fearful feeling, that sense of apprehension, but i had to go in.
it was only at that time when i saw the altar, did i start to take the news in full force.
i've been trying to live on, to get on with life, to move on to greater heights, but this hateful thought cannot leave my mind.
i never should have entered band.
i never should have entered tkss by appeal through band.
i never should have slacked during the PSLE period, and gotten such a score (230)
i never should have lived.
i can never forgive myself for what i've done, why i'm just so lazy, why i'm such a coward, why i still deserve to live, why i couldn't have forseen the fact that some things will take more out of your life than others. just like life in 2007, the time when i lost almost everything, my sanity, my results, everything good in me was lost to the world. i lived my sec 3 life with a mask over me, just to hide my pain, to take my mind off things. for one, i do not forget easily. i still am thinking about him, more than before, and it's painful. i feel blank. i feel lost, and i feel that i'm losing my touch with the world around me.
it'd be better to just end it here and now, but i feel that things in life are more pleasant than others. i'd not be so selfish as to end my life, and let others lose more. they've lost enough. i have friends, and a family.
i just hope somebody'd salvage me from this seemingly irreversible situation.
bye for now.
~BenjaminTAN
