i really don't know what i'm doing.
why i turn up for band practices when i'm not even going kl. why i help the band every week when i can go home, rest, study or what ever. it's just so... meaningless. i do everything to help the band, but in the end i'm not even in the damn show. what logic exists?
here i am, exhausted, after an exceptionally long ride home by bus, in front of the computer, relaxing, when i can actually do homework and not get shelled by various teachers, or i can start really practicing for my dip next year. i can do a whole lot other things at home than in school. maybe... school is my second home. However, nothing beats the warmth, the endless activities we can do, the joy of being in our permanent and only Home.
now, i start to think a lot like my father. i think if i do not go for the kl trip i shouldn't even go for the practices in the first damn place. but i seem to have gotten an addiction for turning up once a week, i can't stop. i love band, and i want to continue (thus i tried to dsa). however i don't feel like part of the family that the majors, the alumni, the bandmasters stress over and over again. i feel... separated from the real family that works together as a team to achieve what they see ahead, lying for the catch. i feel insignificant. i feel no longer like a band member, but an external helper.
however, i really cannot put in words how proud i am for the band, simply because they progress wonderfully even without a group of sec 4s, and see where they are now. from a april syf half-completed piece of work, we now are at the peak of our performance, and i bet the judges will be shocked at how much things we can cram into our april show. it may not be a totally different display, but i can bet again that we can soar. towards excellence and beyond excellence we shall progress towards.
i think i should leave them be, let then excel, while i progress on to my greater heights. FIRST OF ALL, i need to get a L1R5 of below 20. at least. to warrant me a place in mjc.
screw it. in about maybe 2 weeks i'll already step down, with the rest of the sec 4's. then we'll study.
go ben, go. i can make it.
~BenjaminTAN
