you found me.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

5:27 AM

what i'm going through is very like taking a bus 2 straight to tk. that's what i found out today.

i get on the bus, and enjoy the ride.
but i have to alight the bus at some point in time, and so i get off. from there i see the bus move on, not as a person who took the bus, but now as a 'spectator'. when it gets out of sight, i move on.
eventually, i'll reach my destination.

it's just like my life in the tk band.
i enjoyed all four years of it. until my parents didn't allow me to join the band for the one last competition, so i step down as a participant in the KLWMBC, and become just an external helper, of sorts. from there i see the band rise and fall, and when it gets out of sight, when it's really time for more things to be carried out, i move on, towards my destination.

i don't really know what my destination is, i can't really see it, but i still march towards the vague direction where i think it should be. as time passes, i'll see it much clearer, and from there on i'll progress.

when i see them perform, i feel so awkward. even as my expressionless face shows literally nothing when i fold my arms, i was actually thinking of the band, how it could progress from there, and how sad i am, not being able to participate in whatever the majority is participating in, to the extent that i can tear a few drops of it. but hey, being a spectator of sorts isn't that bad after all. when i took the video at the centre line at the hall side facing the field, i finally saw the whole show for myself. how... wonderful and magical.

(even as i am blogging, i'm looking at the video that i just took.)

it cannot be put in words.

maybe i shall stop here.

~BenjaminTAN

Friday, July 25, 2008

7:07 AM

i went to the meiden-meridian concert yesterday, and i have to say it was fabulous. the bands were equally good, the tone of the band, and the songs were recognised, especially DPM. it was really good. however it was by meiden, so yeah. i kinda expected that standard.

brian got a recording of weirui saying "hello mingwei i love you" and it was damn funny, can. he just kept saying that and didn't know when brian was recording it.

so.
shall end here.

~BenjaminTAN

6:47 AM

i really don't know what i'm doing.
why i turn up for band practices when i'm not even going kl. why i help the band every week when i can go home, rest, study or what ever. it's just so... meaningless. i do everything to help the band, but in the end i'm not even in the damn show. what logic exists?
here i am, exhausted, after an exceptionally long ride home by bus, in front of the computer, relaxing, when i can actually do homework and not get shelled by various teachers, or i can start really practicing for my dip next year. i can do a whole lot other things at home than in school. maybe... school is my second home. However, nothing beats the warmth, the endless activities we can do, the joy of being in our permanent and only Home.
now, i start to think a lot like my father. i think if i do not go for the kl trip i shouldn't even go for the practices in the first damn place. but i seem to have gotten an addiction for turning up once a week, i can't stop. i love band, and i want to continue (thus i tried to dsa). however i don't feel like part of the family that the majors, the alumni, the bandmasters stress over and over again. i feel... separated from the real family that works together as a team to achieve what they see ahead, lying for the catch. i feel insignificant. i feel no longer like a band member, but an external helper.

however, i really cannot put in words how proud i am for the band, simply because they progress wonderfully even without a group of sec 4s, and see where they are now. from a april syf half-completed piece of work, we now are at the peak of our performance, and i bet the judges will be shocked at how much things we can cram into our april show. it may not be a totally different display, but i can bet again that we can soar. towards excellence and beyond excellence we shall progress towards.

i think i should leave them be, let then excel, while i progress on to my greater heights. FIRST OF ALL, i need to get a L1R5 of below 20. at least. to warrant me a place in mjc.

screw it. in about maybe 2 weeks i'll already step down, with the rest of the sec 4's. then we'll study.
go ben, go. i can make it.

~BenjaminTAN

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

5:56 AM

right, today was one of the days i can go online on a weekday, simply because my dad's out to thailand working, till friday. (he's the one who forbids me using the comp. the next reason is simply....
i have the frigging time to blog, hihihihihi

right.
woke up late today, realised i could still catch the early bus.
reached bedok at 6.30, just missed the bus.
and i saw kenneth there.
doing nothing. =.=
he said there was no reason to reach sch early.
wow.
then cheryl (anne) and chen entered the interchange.
chen then started talking about my attire (where's your school shirt? why isn't it there?)
damn lah.
then kenneth started talking about me kena kaopeh even before i reach school. dammit, i dun care.

racial harmony bullshit celebrations were boring. tho the kdb session was kinda interesting, i have to admit. learned something new.

after all the crap, we had english test.
i feel that my section one was a fine piece of work, tho the section 2 was stupid. i wrote 3/4 of a page. who cares. screw it

then i went for sectionals til 4, then piano lesson, then home. ate leftovers for dinner =.=

hais
i'm bored. someone talk to me, please.

~BenjaminTAN

Sunday, July 20, 2008

2:10 AM

one fast thought brings to this conclusion:
i am invisible/transparent/cannot be seen/worth ignoring

it's been happening the past few days.

just asking anyone i know who drops by, do you want to go for the combined concert at mjc, 24th july? 10 dollars a ticket, and mjc's performing with aichi meiden highsch band. they're really good.

just thought of friday, last friday.

gabriel, damn you.

there's no need to take that sarcastic tone with me. i know exactly what the time was. i have a watch, for goodness sake. i even feel uncomfortable not wearing it out. so what exactly's your problem? feeling unwell's not a good excuse. AHEM, it's not even a good reason to start with. the weather was perfectly fine, if you ask me. and the time was as good as band hours. and lastly, i am also suffering with you, if you're even suffering in the first place. please. that bullshit has gotten me so worked up. the time. 5.30. it's only a goddamn 30 minutes from the expected ending. and i'm not the one controlling who gets to leave first. talk to the teachers, if you may. because i'm not. i'm the one incharge ONLY for the band thing, nothing else. i just stand infront of the band and wave my hands in front of a, what, 20++ strong "band" under the rotunda? it's not my fault if we end late. it's not my goddamn problem if we end late. try asking any of the majors in 2006 "the band hours states 9-6, why do we end up ending the band at 6.30, and start leaving at around 7?" and then, even when the thing ended, you didn't even leave the damn place. you just sat there in the canteen, looking like you were thinking that the whole world owes you something in exchange for the 30 minutes that you and the 20++ people who sat with you "lost". sure, the band grumbled, i could hear it, and you had to voice it to the person in front, trying to catch whatever's going on during the damn thing. i didn't ask for it. this is not whether you look good by being the voice of the band. the voice of the band is music, not snide remarks about the time. the band shuts up. including you, regardless of post.

i may be of the same age as you, same level, but please. i didn't need that bullcrap about saying that it was 5.30. try doing that on someone older than you.

bottom line: if you irritate me, don't come to my blog, because i'll be bitching about the damn person who ticks me off.

sorry if there's any one who just drops by; it's VERY hot up here in the 3rd level.

and i'm hungry.
read between the lines.

ergh.

~BenjaminTAN

Saturday, July 19, 2008

5:38 AM

woah.
today was interesting. (probably means i have nothing else to say)

it was maths lesson first with chen, BORING chen. corrected her english for the 3 hours of lesson
altho we had breaks in between, and if any band member saw me at the street soccer court i'm just playing and relaxing from the BORING lesson.

finished lesson at 12 and then waited for band to break for lunch at 12.30. wtf, they reverted to the 1-hour rule for lunches during outdoor period, damn. explains why many sections were at lucky bread.
(inclusive of horns, flutes, half of clarinets, majors and kenneth)

wow. had a good time during lunch.

band after that was kinda slack, watched vids first until 3-something, then went to the field and practiced till 4-something when it rained. hated my specs wet, lucky i put it in my pocket first. from there it was kinda okay.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
and i'm bored.
fun fact: my phone bill went up to 58 dollars. dunno how, but i already promised i'll stop smsing as much as last time (10 dollars bcos of unwanted stuff that singtel just signed me up for, 10 dollars for sms exceed, and a bit for 28 more minutes of talk time, limit was 100)

my highest so far lah.
promised already, what can i do?
don't sms and call lurh.
haiz.

okay, shall end here.
byes

~~BenjaminTAN

Friday, July 11, 2008

4:04 AM

if you actually notice i'm not blogging on a daily/regular basis, reason: it's school.
keeps me really occupied.
so here is my hours out of home:
Mon: 0600-1930
Tue: 0600-2130
Wed: 0600-1815
Thu: 0600-1945
Fri: 0600-1700

and they're school days, somemore, added to supplementary classes, tuition, piano lessons, and apparently there's band on fridays for those who're not going to kl. for some national day thing. i hate the late hours. Now, i'm sick of school.

i only blog when i have the time, like now. i'm super free. not doing anything, so jsut switched on the comp to blog (after letting the comp reboot after some software update) and listen music (on the xbox, next to the comp).

think of this statement, and try to figure out what it means:
"a ranking of 2 out of 30++ who tried is actually VERY GOOD for me, and i'm glad i made it"
i think only kenneth kor knows about it. plus me, of course, and my jie, since she was the one who told me.

so school was pretty much draining on the brain and nerves on me, and my class makes fun of ms. chen more than ever, making the lesson more fun and enjoyable. Even so, it's VERY difficult for me to actually even think after school.

waited for dad at the marine parade library busstop. turns out that he actually made the effort to make a lot of u-turns just to get to my side, and i'm waiting for him on his side. haiz.
being thoughtful isn't enough, you need to be someone who reads minds over the telephone. how cool'd that be?!

so i had quite a lot of people who congratulated me on my success.

oh, yes. i had a really good laugh today.

when walking to the tkgs busstop with yash, anand and darrel, they stopped to kick some bottle (near the backalley)
yash tried to kick it
and his shoe flew into some house adjacent to the backalley.
and the family was out (no car, even the neighnour said so)
took him about 20 minutes to get the shoe out of trouble. using a bamboo pole.
then we're all saying "let's do it again, it's fun" and yash said "no thanks. let's go"
LMAO.

ate lunch at 3.30, so i can't eat now, my lunch slowly digesting (it's chicken rice, btw)

shall end here, byes.

~BenjaminTAN

Saturday, July 5, 2008

6:48 AM

haven't updated for the last week, i think.
whatever.

happy belated birthday zhining
happy belated birthday yansiang
happy belated birthday lisa
happy belated birthday nigel

their birthdays are all in order, one day after another. nice, huh?

anyway, i went for DSA at MJC yesterday. from 5.30 to 9.30, 4 hours zzzzzzz.
will post pictures here later, as in maybe next post. weird lah.
my comp's lagging, so it explains.

went there, first person i recognised was my jie. did a few forms, filled in name, then went to practice.

finally, at 8.00 i got in the music room.
at least the conductor had a sense of humour.
she asked me to fall in.
commanded me around the small room, then i got to sit down.
i screwed up 2 times inside, was so nervous sia! goes to show how seriously i was taking it. but i think it was nice.
the atmosphere was nice; almost everybody acted as if they knew you, wanted to make friends with you, not like TJ :x

so i finished at 8.10, i think
then gab and kiat left the place.
i waited till 9.30, until jie asked me to go off first, bcos she had a meeting =.=
so, as quoted from elise, 'bai deng'
haiz.
jie got home at 10.30.
slept late, mayb around 11, lost track of time, i just was sleepy.

today. woke up fresh, at 6.45.
got to school, had geog lesson, and was stuck in school.
didn't know where to go for lunch.
in the end i decided to go dunman food court, same as elise :D
then there got no food. lols
went to the coffee shop after food court.
saw christine there, with 2 others.
didn't know who they were. HOW BLIND COULD I GET?!?? LOL
nvr mind, i have a feeling everybody knows who they were.
had late breakfast/ early lunch with them, then left. i have to say the lunch was quite okay (weird). they walked too slow, so i just solo-walked back to school.

then had band.

longlong band.

then after band, i went to see the dmns.
no comment here, i just thought they were good.
went home by bus zzzzzzz
then ate PIZZA!!! yay
and bathed.
it's kinda my 2-day diary, until now.

~BenjaminTAN