went to some shopping mall yesterday (why can't i remember the name?) to eat dinner and watch the Hulk with my family. quite uneventful, just that i liked the movie, although it's a bit short.
Now, for my self-reflection.
this month, i've collected a few memories and decided to dump it all here.
Look at this statement.
"The most suitable person to ask for the time would be a typical working Singaporean man."
now, why'd i say that?
i learnt it from one of my tuition, during some random chats with my teacher and classmates.
he said his watch is the most accurate, in Singapore, that is, because he sets it according to ERP time.
now, think about that, going side-by-side with the previous statement in quotes.
and second, this holidays are simply put the most boring holidays EVER.
First, because band kinda has no meaning to me. i'm doing nothing but odd jobs, to supervise the flags, take the umbrellas, and whatever. I decided that I'm not part of the show, which in return drags me far from the band. whatever i try to do to narrow the gap just helps to widen the gap more, to the extent that i can just say "screw it" and just quit the band altogether. There's just no sense to it all.
Yet, i still turn up for practices.
Maybe it is the result of absolute boredom.
Maybe it is the result of my need to escape from my absolute boredom.
second, i've got myself addicted to messaging by phone, when i burst the 500 free sms limit, i look at myself and say "why have i nothing to do?"
ergh. i still adapted to the "no sms" condition, and did A BIT of work.
third, for those who realised why i'm sleepy and yawn at every single thing in this world, it's not as if i haven't got enough sleep. i have.
lastly, my grandmother just came back from surgery.
can't explain it here. DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
then thinking about her in a hospital would be the cause of me in emo these few days, maybe quite speechless, staring at the rain for no reason. it drags past memories to the present, i have nightmares during the night, extreme exhaustion during the night, and my brother now complains that i talk in my sleep. again.
sighs
can't help it. it just links my whole life together, and just when i'm about to live on, the words "Chinese New Year" float back to the concentration bit of my brain, and i think too much about it.
i think too much about it, god damn it.
i think i've changed during this holidays, and i'm serious. attitude-wise, character-wise. i've been a bit gangster-like at home in the afternoon. recently, i screamed at my mum for no reason. Even after apologising and some forgiveness i just cannot fathom my change of attitude during these few weeks. Indifference, laziness, everything bad in sec 2 gets raked up from the graveyard soil and gets integrated into my character.
i need an end to this, and i mean it. without help i may just torture myself again, just like old times (sec 2), and i don't want that to happen.
For those who see the change in me, i really apologise for my aggression, my hostility, and whatever.
I need to forget.
maybe, sometimes, it's really better to forget.
it may just lead to my insanity.
I NEED AN ESCAPE FROM THIS MAD WORLD
please. help me.
~BenjaminTAN
P.S.: my Cortana run's out in HSH
