you found me.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

4:17 AM

i figured: To heat up a thing, it must first be of a lower temperature.
i also figured: taking out a glass cup from a freezer and pouring boiling water into it makes the glass break. Work out the physics yourselves, those above P6.

How should i begin this?
Sorry, all TK Band members, and whoever this might concern.

Though every apology has its each and very own reason, I shall put across the point indirectly, for the sake of the TK Band, and by doing this you will have a lesser chance of feeling how i feel before, during and after this post, but i hope you all understand, till there is such a time where things turn out for the better.

I shall start right after the meeting with mdm. nora and mr. lee with the Sec 4's, on friday.

I told my mother about it. although she didn't give an answer, she was grumbling about it. During dinner time that day, my mother told my father about it. He flamed, and gave me an answer that froze me up. Not anything to do with the TK Band, however. I felt his furiosity at the time, but somehow the anger, the fire in him seemed to turn me into the cold, hard stone that i had only experienced before, during and after the Chinese New Year in 2007. And I have to say, the CNY thing still gets me at times. For those who want to know about it, i shall say that it feels like you have lost everything that mattered in your life. i shall say that it drains you of all good feelings, everything, even your human-time reaction.

I shall say that it makes you lose the will to live.

It was, how should i put it, freezing. Stony, frigid, and frozen, for want of better words. Why? If his plan succeeded, how was I supposed to live? How was i supposed to answer to over 150 people?

How was I supposed to actually, LIVE?

Till now, only two know the story. First of all, me. the second, i have to say, those who chatted with me on msn, talked in real life in this supposedly-real world, still do not know anything about the other half of his plan which does not involve the TK Band. Not even those like my section, the majors, my friends like alan, saeful, adli, elise, kn, whatever. They do not know the other half.

Bong knows. Only the first part of his plan which does not involve the TK Band.

So that froze me up.

Second half of the story: starts after the TJC Band concert. I had a really good time at the VCH, laughing my heart out when it was the J1's drama item. Somehow the memory of the previous day got into my head, explaining the split-personality during the concert. Sorry, horns.

When my father fetched me from the VCH, he brought up the topic. And another thing. the only person who chatted with me this afternoon knows this, so keep silent. I guess she knows, because first: she tagged even before I posted this. Second, everyone else on MSN was busy or offline. So I poured out my dad's second plan to her. so you should know who. She should know who.

He wants me to skip band practices.

Like an exponential curve, the heat only came to me today, as soon as i woke up. And from there it started building.

I know exactly my father's intentions. I know all he does is for my own good. I know he loves me as much as I love band, many times over. But it just cannot relieve the pain in my heart. I said earlier that "taking out a glass cup from a freezer and pouring boiling water into it makes the glass break", where I am that glass cup, as 'solid' as i may be.

I know that my results are not that fantastic. I know I'm not half as perfect as my dad is. And for one thing i know I should not have even joined the TK Band, to save from me from all that pain. I just wish that I have now the chance to re-live my past 15 years and 7 months, so I can work out a better route for my future. As quoted from a comic i read a year ago, "My mother used to tell me that we reap what we sow."

"I should have paid more attention to her."

There's no way I can re-live my whole life, that is for sure. So I live on. I accept the fact that my father wants me to study. I want to make my father proud; to do well in my studies, and excel where he couldn't. And the thing on my mind, right smack in the centre: I want to SHAME mdm. Fong, for all that she's said to my mother many times over, with variation, "the boy is hopeless".

that being said, I still owe the band a huge apology. Anything that happens to the band, I really am sorry.

I am sorry.

~BenjaminTAN